1;2cHumorous Quotes

Humorous Quotes


  • Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big. ------ George Carlin
  • Anyone who drives faster than you is a maniac and anyone who drives slower than you is an idiot. --- George Carlin
  • An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do. --- Dylan Thomas
  • A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. — Steven Wright
  • "The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market award for achievement," John Kenneth Galbraith noted back in 1980. "It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal gesture by the individual to himself."
  • Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're alive. -- John Sloan
  • Mark Twain said: "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years."
  • “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.” -- Mark Twain
  • "It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so." -- Mark Twain (my training in probability and statistics suggests that the worst thing is not just to be wrong, but to be wrong and very certain that you are right...)
  • Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress".
  • Disraeli, when asked to explain the difference between a misfortune and a calamity said this: "If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity."
  • The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every other alternative.
  • I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member -- Groucho Marx
  • It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. -- Woody Allen
  • I took a speed reading course and read 'War and Peace' in twenty minutes. It involves Russia. -- Woody Allen
  • "Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions” -- Woody Allen
  • 90 percent of success is showing up. --- Woody Allen (this is more wise more than funny.)
  • Calvin: I'm a genius, but I'm a misunderstood genius. Hobbes: What's misunderstood about you? Calvin: Nobody thinks I'm a genius.
  • Corfu? It's just a poor man's Pensacola... -- John Ratzenberger (Cliff Clavin on t.v.'s "Cheers")
  • Hank Hill (character from "King of the Hill"): With voter turnout at an all time low, I`m more American by not voting.
  • Winston Churchill: “If you’re going through hell, keep going. But please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale”
  • ''If you weren't my son, I'd hug you.'' - Hank Hill when his son Bobby announces that he has landed a job selling soda at the track.
  • ''The only place you can find a Main Street these days is in Disneyland. And just try to buy a gun there'' - Hank Hill on "King of the Hill".
  • Jerry wouldn't know beauty if it bludgeoned him over the head --- Neuman (Wayne Knight) on Seinfeld
  • "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." -- George W.Bush, 2002.
  • A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other. -- G.B. Shaw
  • Definition of lecture: An art of transmitting Information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of students without passing through the minds of either.
  • Definition of conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present
  • Definition of office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
  • "What people say about me behind my back is none of my business." -- RuPaul
  • "I think a character in a comedy should not know they're in a comedy." --- comedian Steve Carrell (this strikes me as more perceptive than humorous)
  • The basis of the Goons' humor, Milligan once said, ''is one man shouting gibberish in the face of authority, and proving by fabricated insanity that nothing could be as mad as what passes for ordinary living.'' -- Clive Milligan, of the B.B.C. comedy, The Goon Show
  • Favorite Phil Hartman quotes (as Bill McNeal on Newsradio)
  • Don't try to confuse me with the facts.
  • Don't try to confuse the issue with half truths and gorilla dust.
  • Have you ever heard the expression, 'When life gives you lemons, make lemonade and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?
  • Experience has taught me that every toothy grin hides an extra row of teeth.
  • There comes a time in every friendship when you have to say: I never liked you in the first place. (my personal favorite!)
  • You barfed into our punch bowl and now you're telling us it's alphabet soup?!
  • Show me a woman who isn't jealous of another woman and I'll show you a man.
  • It's like my father used to say... when I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child... and when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot.
  • My (incomplete) list of fake Seinfeld film titles: Seinfeld fake films